View of Whiteplains Plantation

View of Whiteplains Plantation
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Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Big Round Airplane Engines

Whiteplains Pilots
10:43 AM
To: Whiteplains Pilots
Thought you guys might miss those days like I do starting those P&W 1340's on my old crop duster

Subject: It's Gotta Be Round

We gotta get rid of turbines, they are ruining aviation. We need to go back to big round engines.
Anybody can start a turbine, you just need to move a switch from "OFF" to "START," and then remember to move it back to "ON" after a while. My PC is harder to start.
Cranking a round engine requires skill, finesse and style. On some planes, the pilots are not even allowed to do it.
Turbines start by whining for a while, and then give a small lady-like poot and start whining louder.
Round engines give a satisfying rattle-rattle, click-click BANG, more rattles, another BANG, a big macho fart or two, more clicks, a lot of smoke and finally a serious low pitched roar.
We like that. It's a guy thing. When you start a round engine, your mind is engaged and you can concentrate on the flight ahead. Starting a turbine is like flicking on a ceiling fan: Useful, but hardly exciting.
Turbines don't break often enough, leading to aircrew boredom, complacency and inattention. A round engine at speed looks and sounds like it's going to blow at any minute.
This helps concentrate the mind.
Turbines don't have enough control levers to keep a pilot's attention.
There's nothing to fiddle with during the flight.
Turbines smell like a Boy Scout camp full of Coleman lanterns. Round engines smell like God intended flying machines to smell.

I think I hear the nurse coming down the hall. I gotta go.

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